pornochromatic

Celebrity sex tape promotion has become pretty formulaic in the last couple of years. First, rumors of a tape are “leaked” to the media, and the star publicly denies that the tape exists. Then, the distributor (often Vivid) announces the upcoming release of the video and the star responds by angrily threatening to file a lawsuit to any media outlet that will listen. Finally, the star gives in to the “unstoppable” force of the tape and often gets openly involved in the promotion of the video so that they can make sure that the release is “handled properly.”

I’ve tried to ignore the existence of the Shauna Sand sex tape, but the success of the formula has guaranteed that I’ve seen no less than a dozen stories about it. The latest one confirming that it is indeed Shauna’s signature on the model release form giving Vivid the right to distribute the amateur porno she starred in and edited herself. Oops, I guess she forgot.

The stars of these videos always claim they were stolen or that the company releasing the movie doesn’t have the right to do it, but there are two reasons why no celebrity sex video you’ve ever seen was distributed without the star’s permission:

1. No company in its right mind would distribute a video that didn’t come with a valid model release. The Right of Publicity allows one to keep one’s image and likeness from being commercially exploited without permission or contractual compensation. The right to privacy, or the right to be left alone and not have one’s personality represented publicly without permission. (See Wikipedia)

2. The Child Protection and Obscenity Enforcement Act of 1988 (aka, 2257 Regulations) require producers of sexually explicit material to obtain proof of age for every model they shoot, and retain those records. Under this law, the distributor of the video would be considered a “secondary producer” and is legally obligated to have proof-of-age documentation (like a driver’s license or other non-publicly-available form of ID) on file for these videos even though they didn’t create the content themselves. (See Wikipedia)

The lawsuit threats and public statements decrying the “theft” of these people’s amateur sex videos are nothing more than attempts to generate publicity and sales for the movies. There’s something thrilling about watching something you’re not supposed to see, and I think the dog and pony show helps maintain the fantasy that the videos weren’t produced for commercial distribution.

I think 2009 will be remembered as the year of TV porn parodies. They’re everywhere these days and I think they’re at least partially an effort to stop the hemorrhaging DVD business from finally kicking the bucket. But how did this madness start?

I’m glad you asked. Hustler can be credited with starting the trend in 2007 with Not The Bradys XXX. The director, Will Ryder, had previously done several movies of dubious quality (I only managed to sit through one of them) in which a butterface Britney Spears lookalike* played the character Britney Rears.

Hustler saw a goldmine in these spoofs (Not The Bradys became a bestseller) and parodied Get Smart and The Munsters (of all things) in 2008. In 2009, they kicked the parody machine into overdrive with spoofs of The Partridge Family, Three’s Company, Gilligan’s Island, Happy Days, Star Trek, The Cosby Show, I Love Lucy, Married with Children and in a slightly more modern, but completely bizarre choice, Hell’s Kitchen.

Maybe they thought that the demographic of porn parody buyers was over 45 or that the folks who produce shows now on Nick at Nite would be less likely to sue, but Hustler has mainly focused on older shows for their lampoons.

New Sensations smelled money (every single one of Hustler’s spoofs was a best-seller) and jumped into the satire genre with takeoffs on far more modern shows like The Office, Scrubs, Seinfeld, Friends and 30 Rock. They’ve also got an X-Files parody in the works, which has earned them a cease and desist letter from 20th Century Fox.

Of course, other studios have gotten in on the act and this list is by no means complete. Parodies of Celebrity Rehab with Dr. Drew, Rock of Love, Dog the Bounty Hunter, and Big Love have all been released recently by studios mainly known for gonzo films.

Porn parodies are nothing new, but I think they’re an interesting reaction to the collapse of the DVD business. At a time when most people are eschewing DVDs for more convenient internet porn, these things actually sell (even though most of them are barely watchable) and I don’t think we’ll see the end of them until they’ve been completely wrung dry.

My predictions for TV shows we’ll see porn versions of in the next six months:

• True Blood
• 24
• Lost
• Survivor
• CSI
• Weeds

What do you think?

* Her name was Jessica Sweet. In the third and fourth installments of the series, Britney was played by Hillary Scott.

Vivd, you vex me. I know there are very smart people running that place. I’ve met some of them and liked them a lot. What I don’t know is how they pick their contract girls. It doesn’t seem to follow any reasonable formula and I’m pretty confused by the latest choice: 29-year-old A.J. Bailey.

Of Vivid’s current stable, the only ones I like are Monique Alexander (who I hear isn’t even with Vivid anymore) and Meggan Mallone. They’re spunky, cute and generally competent porn actors. The other ones seem to be boring and (paradoxically), plagued by controversy.

I went and looked at some of A.J.’s work so that I could give an honest opinion of her. It’s hard to judge her based on the work she’s done so far for 2 reasons: there’s not a whole lot of it and what there is is entirely solo or girl/girl. I want the girl/girl scenes to be representative of her work because she said that she “was really into girl/girl in [her] personal life” when she was making them, but it doesn’t bode well. Because they’re kind of boring. She just doesn’t stand out to me.

A.J. will be joined at Vivid by the recently-returned Raylene, an industry veteran who continues to have a following even after quitting the business in 2001.

Who knows – maybe that’s what Vivid needs right now. With Hanna Hilton dating a convicted rapist/accused of being a prostitute and Nikki Jayne’s turbulent romantic life/skipping out on her duties at award shows, mature, reliable performers might be what they’re looking for. Bailey is a 29-year-old with a Master’s degree in Museum and Gallery Studies and Raylene spent the last 8 years selling real estate and starting a family. If you’re looking for grounded, these ladies seem to fit that bill. I just wonder if “grounded” is the basis for hot porn?

Check out A.J. Bailey for yourself:

Apparently, Pink Visual, the folks who brought you classics like Couples Seduce Teens and Anal Devastation, has partnered with a company that makes special shells for iPhones to start making the world’s first 3-D iPhone porn.

The nice part: the plastic iPhone cover replaces the need for those stupid 3-D glasses. I saw a demo video of how the shell works, but obviously, you can’t tell whether something looks 3-D on a 2-D video.

This begs the question: do people really want 3-D porn or is it just another gimmick? I still think HD porn is a gimmick (yay, ass pimples in 1080p!), and it really hasn’t broken any sales records for the people making it. 3-D movies are kind of a fun novelty, but I’ll admit that by the end of Coraline, I had a headache and no interest in ever seeing another 3-D movie.

I’m sure I’ll try this out when it’s released (I totally admit that I’m intrigued by the possibilities), but I wonder if this will be the kind of product that will go against the conventional wisdom that consumers don’t want to pay for extra accessories just to watch porn.